The Renewal of Tom and Claire

Note to Readers:
What I’m about to share isn’t just one man’s journey, but a reflection of many men I’ve walked alongside—different names and details, but the same real struggles and miraculous transformations.

How a Couple on the Brink of Divorce Rebuilt Love, Trust, and Lasting Partnership

Tom was 48 and Claire was 49 when we began working together. They had been married for 23 years and were raising two children—a 13‑year‑old son and an 11‑year‑old daughter. Their marriage, however, was on the brink of collapse. The only reason they were still together, Tom admitted, was for the kids. He feared a divorce would damage them, yet he didn’t realize that staying in a broken relationship without healing could also harm them.

When they first got married, Claire—raised in a wealthy southern household—had been encouraged by her parents to quickly marry a man with stability and a good job after college. Like many women of her generation, she believed this was what she was supposed to do, rather than waiting for a man she truly loved. Tom, also inexperienced and uncertain, ignored his instincts and chose to move forward with the marriage even after calling it off several times due to red flags. This laid the foundation of their early marriage on shaky ground, in ways neither of them fully understood at the time.

This couple came to me through a colleague, a female practitioner who was already working with Claire. She recognized that in order for the marriage to have a chance, Tom needed strong male mentoring. That’s where I entered the picture. Our work alternated—one week I met with Tom individually, the next week with both Tom and Claire alongside my colleague. Claire continued her one‑on‑one sessions with her female practitioner, which was essential, as she felt safer addressing her deeper wounds with another woman. I supported her directly at times, but Tom was my primary focus, while my colleague remained Claire’s main guide.

When we began, Tom was exhausted and lost. He had reversed the healthy order of priorities in marriage: instead of prioritizing himself first, then the partnership, and then the children, he put his kids above all else and left himself last. Though his devotion to his children was clear, this left Claire feeling abandoned and she did not trust Tom because of his over-giving and dissipated sense of self. She no longer respected him and was ready to walk away.

In her desperation, Claire entered into an affair—not out of genuine desire for another man, but as an unconscious attempt to shine a light on the broken dynamic in her marriage. The betrayal was painful and real, yet it was also a misguided way of calling Tom into the strength and presence she longed for in him. On a deeper level, she wanted him to rise up and fight for her and their marriage. For both of them to heal old wounds, each needed the other to show up fully. Deep down, they both knew it was unsafe to pursue growth while remaining in a marriage so disconnected and out of touch. 

This affair, as counterintuitive as it may seem, became the doorway to healing. At the beginning of our work, Claire was still occasionally seeing her lover while traveling for business. Although I did not condone her choices, it provided the perfect opportunity to confront the roots of Tom’s patterns. Tom had spent his entire life as a people‑pleaser, shaped by a childhood with a narcissistic, rage‑filled father. He learned to avoid conflict at all costs, deflecting with jokes and pleasing others to stay safe. This emasculated him, and Claire admitted it was a major reason she was no longer attracted to him.

During this painful period, I helped Tom access his anger in a safe and constructive way. Using a plastic wiffle bat and a pillow, he learned to scream, rage, and shake—releasing years of repressed emotion and reclaiming his life-force to be used in the moments when clear boundaries are needed rather than after the fact. This practice helped him reclaim his power and stop giving himself away. Over time, Tom even shared this process with his children, teaching them that intense feelings don’t have to be hidden or suppressed. He showed them that all emotions are healthy, and that it’s important to let those emotions move through the body in safe and appropriate ways. Suppression often leads to mental or physical disorders, while allowing emotions to be met with presence keeps the energy in motion and supports lasting mental and physical health. 

Both Tom and Claire were also mired in their own addictions, though they didn’t see it at first. Tom was a workaholic, technoholic and tried to please everyone even to his own detriment. He often dissociated himself with his phone and computer, scrolling social media, checking poker scores, sports statistics, and his work email in off times. This disconnection frustrated Claire deeply.

Claire often numbed her intense feelings and pain by leaning into blame, defensiveness, grudges, control, punishment, and eventually the affair. She also held impossible standards for cleanliness in the home that left Tom feeling like no matter how hard he tried, it was never enough. In this way, they were a perfect match for one another’s wounds. Yet with their willingness to lean in, both had the chance to transform those patterns into healing and to grow into whole, authentic partners again.

After three months of working with Tom directly, Claire was ready to fully call off the affair and give the marriage a second chance. Together they worked through a powerful couples' workbook I recommended, alongside weekly sessions with me and my colleague. We created many agreements—sometimes short‑term, practical commitments—to help them practice new ways of relating. It was rough going at first, but slowly their communication improved, and they even began to have fun together again. Within six months, real progress was evident. By the end of our first year, they were making love again, moving through forgiveness, and willing to release the grip of the past.

Claire was getting the support she needed to face her childhood wounds, while Tom was making breakthroughs in both his personal and professional life. He found the courage to say no to toxic job demands from his boss and ended his compulsive use of technology. Through both of their growing courage and ability to speak up in the moment, and their willingness to listen and change, they broke free from their old patterns. The result was a marriage that is finally able to support the ever-evolving needs, feelings, and desires of everyone in the home without unspoken resentments building up. 

Tom’s physical health also improved dramatically. He had come to me suffering from chronic headaches and migraines, which we discovered were linked to years of pent-up emotions and the intense stress of his marriage. As he learned tools to connect with his anger in a healthy way and to speak his truth directly to Claire—without slipping into people-pleasing—his headaches began to fade. Whenever a headache arose, Tom came to recognize it as a signal that he was dishonoring himself by not speaking up or setting boundaries. Over time, as he practiced being clear and direct, the headaches resolved entirely. His body mirrored the transformation happening in his inner life and his marriage.

Their story is a reminder that even when a relationship seems broken beyond repair, profound transformation is possible. When two people are willing to face their shadows, take responsibility, and lean into the hard work of growth, what once felt hopeless can become a source of strength, intimacy, and renewal. Tom and Claire’s journey shows that healing is never just about two individuals—it ripples outward, restoring families, inspiring children, and proving that through the hard labor of real love, what was once built on shaky foundations can be rebuilt on the solid bedrock of conscious relating to create a partnership that thrives.